Me, that's who.

Or at least, this was how it was supposed to play out. But the truth it, I left myself unprotected. Vulnerable. And now I have contracted some hideous disease from my co-workers/plague rats.

I'm dyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiing.

Is it me or is the common cold a hell of a lot more common? Is that just here where I am? I get several colds a year. I figured that's because I'm getting older but it's not just me. It's everyone. All through the year, people around the studio have colds. I can't think of the last time there wasn't at least one person snivelling through their day.


In ten years time, will everyone have colds all year round? Will it be our default state of being? Are there scientists working to cure the cold or is it more likely that there are scientists being paid large sums of money to make sure that our colds get worse and far more frequent?


Paranoia? Well, how much do you think the cold/flu remedy business is worth, with their Lemsips and Panadols and decongestants and all? It's like the computer virus protection business. It can only function if there are viruses out there. And the business can only grow if the viruses get more frequent and more dangerous.


And it's worth a bloody fortune to a lot of people.

But this thing I've got now... this isn't just a cold. It's an attack. The beginning of a war. I'll be lucky to survive. This could be the start of something like that film Outbreak, only I'm the monkey. Or someone in the studio is. There's definitely a monkey involved.

Well I got checked out

Actually, he thinks it's more a musculo-skeletal problem, or is that muscular-skeletal? I don't know. One or the other. From the positioning of the pain and the fact that it's not associated with strenuous activity or something, he reckons it's likely to do with the muscle wall around the rib cage.

Being out of breath, well, I'm getting old.

Having checked my blood pressure, listened to my heart and lungs and taken into account lack of other factors like smoking, he reckons I'm not about to drop dead and unless things got worse he won't bother sending me for a hundred million tests, which is nice.

My cholesterol is a little high though, but I knew that. I must go into that whole cholesterol/diet myth at some point.

Hypochondriacs Unite 2

So it turns out I'm far more likely to die of a heart attack than cancer. Not sure that's any better.

Thing is, regardless of what it is, as you get older, it's far more realistic that those pains you feel are something serious. Eventually, you'll get something that isn't just wind. Isn't just a product of an overactive imagination. It's a scary thought.

They're coming to get me, Barbara!

So there was me thinking that Spambots were mischievous little fellows - as seen in this post.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

On Monday, there was a comment on my post about some cancer thing. I didn't really look at it. I just knew it was spam, and about cancer so I deleted it. Now, I'm a hypochondriac at the best of times. About cancer, well, I'm terrified. As a guy, I have a one in two chance of getting cancer. One in two! That's scary stuff.

So to add a spam comment about cancer on my blog is an attack on all things good in this world. I don't need to be reminded that I'm probably going to get cancer and die.

But then, yesterday, I find three more of the exact same cancer crap in the comments sections of various posts. Well that's just rude. The fact that I deleted the first one should tell you I don't want your spam.

The Spambots are attacking.

Unless it was a real live human who posted it, in which case shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

Seems that lawsuit is coming quicker than I thought

As well as the usual cancer-causing and sterilising waves from mobile phones, Apple's iPhone has the added bonus of containing hazardous compounds. Phthalates in the headphone cord are known to interfere with sexual development. Brominated compounds make up 10% of the iPhone. They create dioxin when burned, which causes cancer (there is no known 'safe dose' of dioxin) as well as severe reproductive and developmental problems.

In short, it's a dangerous bastard and when you feckers throw it away, you're going to be contributing to the downfall of the human race. An over-reaction? Not in the slightest. You only have to look at rising cancer rates across all age groups (especially the young) and rising fertility problems.

That's all aside from the usual mobile phone emission problems.

The Greenpeace report can be found here and you should Google all of the materials they found. Lawsuits are already beginning. And rightly so. You should know about this. You should care. Every single one of you.

Hypochondriacs Unite!

I know I'm not the only person who does this. I have been convinced since my teens that I would die a hideous cancer death. Initially I thought it was the dodgy microwave that would do me in. That may still turn out to be the case but I think now that my fate is sealed by all you gobshites and your mobile phones. The day I can sue for second-hand mobilisation, I'll see you all in court.

As a bloke, my chance of getting cancer is one in two.

1 in 2 (for those of you who couldn't take the time to read it in words).

I have just as high a chance of getting cancer as not getting it. For you ladies, it's one in three. Still high enough to be pretty damn scary. Most form of cancers, you won't even know before it's too late. I could (and probably do) have bowel cancer right now and wouldn't know about it. Especially as a side effect of many anti-depressants is gastrinal bleeding. You could shit blood and think it's just a side effect. Two months later you're dead.

One in two. I'm doomed.