Monday, April 6, 2009


I must apologise for what turned out to be the longest gap between posts there has ever been since I began this blog.

Since finishing my last project early in March, I have shut myself away from the world metally, though moving about it physically. Things have happened around me. Mostly, that meant bills went unpaid and people sent me letters and emails looking for money. Not to worry. I'll sort all that out in the next few days.

I have been writing. Sephim gave the advice, "just write", so I did. And it turned out I couldn't stop. It wasn't all easy. There were times I just had to walk and walk, playing out scenes in my head until they made sense. But, last night, for the first time, I had a beginning, a middle and an end. Rough and possibly crap, but a script nonetheless.

Other things I have been doing include drinking coffee, eating one apple, listening to 'Woman In Chains', reading books and playing GTA: Chinatown Wars on the DS. Oh, and realising that I spend more than I earn and, given the way things are right now, that's going to have to change. Especially as any future earnings are under threat. I'll know more in the next few weeks about what work I have and for how long.

We live in interesting times.

One of the most important things during all this is that I have been well.

I tend to crash after long projects. I can sink quite low. Not this time for some reason. Sure, I'm tired. I'm always tired. It's my default state of being. But I have been well.

Who knows where it will all go from here?


Brian Sibley said...

Well, you're out of chrysalis, all that remains now is to FLY!

Red Pill Junkie said...

Agreed 200% with Brian's advise

Toole said...

Two weeks ago I came out of the building, okay, I'm running across Sixth Avenue, there's a car waiting, I got exactly 38 minutes to get to the airport and I'm dictating. There's this, this panicked associate sprinting along beside me, scribbling in a notepad, and suddenly she starts screaming, and I realize we're standing in the middle of the street, the light's changed, there's this wall of traffic, serious traffic speeding towards us, and I... I-I freeze, I can't move, and I'm suddenly consumed with the overwhelming sensation that I'm covered with some sort of film. It's in my hair, my face... it's like a glaze... like a... a coating, and... at first I thought, oh my god, I know what this is, this is some sort of amniotic - embryonic - fluid. I'm drenched in afterbirth, I've-I've breached the chrysalis, I've been reborn. But then the traffic, the stampede, the cars, the trucks, the horns, the screaming and I'm thinking no-no-no-no, reset, this is not rebirth, this is some kind of giddy illusion of renewal that happens in the final moment before death. And then I realize no-no-no, this is completely wrong because I look back at the building and I had the most stunning moment of clarity. I... I... I... I realized Michael, that I had emerged not from the doors of Kenner, Bach, and Ledeen, not through the portals of our vast and powerful law firm, but from the asshole of an organism whose sole function is to excrete the... the-the-the poison, the ammo, the defoliant necessary for other, larger, more powerful organisms to destroy the miracle of humanity. And that I had been coated in this patina of shit for the best part of my life. The stench of it and the stain of it would in all likelihood take the rest of my life to undo. And you know what I did? I took a deep cleansing breath and I set that notion aside. I tabled it. I said to myself as clear as this may be, as potent a feeling as this is, as true a thing as I believe that I have witnessed today, it must wait. It must stand the test of time. And Michael, the time is now.

Red Pill Junkie said...

Such moments of complete clarity are not uncommon in near-death situations, Toole.

I take it you came out of that ordeal unharmed, as well as your coworker?

Adam H said...

Good to see you back, BA!

Anonymous said...

i like thoes pictures..