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I don't have a dog right now. But this is what I'd be doing if I did.

I'm not really a spiritual person at all. I have questions with no answers and other questions with answers I don't like but don't really believe in a huge amount. But two things seem to allow me to go beyond what I see day to day. Just glimpses, probably just into my subconscious... but maybe to something more than that.

Music and dogs.

Music goes deep inside. Like that guy from Inner Space. Inside and then it sort of plants little bombs that go off, waking something up inside.

Dogs are different. It's not like I'd listen to dogs for any length of time. And barking isn't all that soothing. Certainly not approaching anything spiritual. But, with dogs, I see something in their eyes. I don't know what it is. Something familiar, something special.

I even see it in the stupid ones. Possibly more so in the stupid ones. Yes, so some will eat their own vomit or worse. And they sniff each others posteriors. And lick themselves in... well, you know.

But there's something more there.


Not in cats. I know some of you are cat people but cats are up to something entirely different. I don't trust them.


But dogs... dogs are special. If I had time, a lot of music and a dog, I'm pretty sure I could unlock the secrets of the Universe.

Merry Christmas!

I saw the cutest little puppy today. He was tiny, scruffy and full of fun and life. For a moment, I thought he might be my Christmas present. He wasn't but that's okay - it would have been a slightly crazy gift. But still, there's nothing like a puppy to put a smile on my face.

When it comes down to it, it turns out I'm easily pleased.

It hasn't been a great couple of weeks. Partly, that's just because I love Christmas. I love the lights, the atmosphere, the same old Christmas songs, Jingle Bells and mince pies. But, this year, I haven't had a chance to enjoy the run up to it.

But it's Christmas now.

I can enjoy it. I can eat those mince pies. Stare at Christmas trees. Yeah, I really miss old friends and my life feels very different to where I was this time last year, not all in good ways, but I'm here and, as it turns out, I have people who like me. Or at the very least, don't actively dislike me.

It is a good time of year.

If you pass by my blog and read this, well, firstly I'd like to thank you for stopping by. It means a lot that some people can relate to some of the things that seem to fill my head. It really does - it means I'm not alone and, as I'm sure you know, sometimes it's very easy to feel alone in a crowded city, even a crowded room full of people who know you. But, here, I often don't feel alone.

And, secondly, I'd like to wish you all a very happy Christmas, or any event or rituals or just plain ol' generic holidays that you're having. Even the Xenu people (do you guys have a Christmas equivalent?). I hope you spend time with people you love and who love you and have a peaceful and fun time (sometimes those are mutually exclusive so it might just be one or the other).

You guys rock. All of you.

My old friend 1991-2008

It's done

Thanks for the words of support, guys. Yes, I had to be there for him, Big Radio Guy. You had 18 years with your buddy! It's a long time to have a friend, isn't it?

It was all very peaceful, but it was a tough night. Probably a testament to really how easy my life has been that I don't know if I've ever felt this sad. I already miss him so much. Such a good dog. I kept thinking I heard him last night and my first thought this morning was that I should put him out for a pee. It's going to take a long time to take in that he's not here any more.

His last day

It was weird going home last night to my dog, my best friend for 17 years, knowing this would be his last night at home. Last night alive. And that I was the one who made the decision to kill him.


He's old. Like, really old. He's falling to bits. The vet has been talking about this for a while (though he likes to call it 'putting him to sleep', sidestepping the whole killing/death issue). It's been a long time coming. He's totally deaf. Pretty blind. Senile. Has joint trouble. Kidney failure. And a whole rake of other really gross things.


But every time he wags his tail, it makes me think that this is not the right thing to do. And I've seen dogs on the street who seem older than he does.


If he's sitting there wagging his tail tonight, when the deed is to be done (not a neck-snapping, by the way - I hope), can I go through with it? I feel like a judge sentencing him to death. But his only crime was crapping on the carpet the odd time. And he's my best buddy. I was still a teenager living at home when I got him.


I don't want to be there. And yet I can't stand the thought of him not having me there at the time.



This sucks.