It was weird going home last night to my dog, my best friend for 17 years, knowing this would be his last night at home. Last night alive. And that I was the one who made the decision to kill him.
He's old. Like, really old. He's falling to bits. The vet has been talking about this for a while (though he likes to call it 'putting him to sleep', sidestepping the whole killing/death issue). It's been a long time coming. He's totally deaf. Pretty blind. Senile. Has joint trouble. Kidney failure. And a whole rake of other really gross things.
But every time he wags his tail, it makes me think that this is not the right thing to do. And I've seen dogs on the street who seem older than he does.
If he's sitting there wagging his tail tonight, when the deed is to be done (not a neck-snapping, by the way - I hope), can I go through with it? I feel like a judge sentencing him to death. But his only crime was crapping on the carpet the odd time. And he's my best buddy. I was still a teenager living at home when I got him.
I don't want to be there. And yet I can't stand the thought of him not having me there at the time.