Super Villains!

Every superhero must face a super villain. Usually loads of them. Miserable Androgynous Little Shit Man is no exception. Here are just some of his foes:


A deadly cyborg bagpiper, the Cyber Piper plays hideous piercing tunes that can penetrate any defense shield. There is no escape from the dreaded Cyber Drone! MALS Man's headphone/iPod combo are no defense for this weapon so he must rely on more cunning methods to defeat the Cyber Piper.

Seeing as the Cyber Piper is a bit rubbish, it's time to bring out the big guy. Every superhero needs a super villain that's pretty much the same as him. And so we have:

The story of The Sickness is a tragic one. The teenage emo kid that once found himself in scientist millionaire Randall Randallson's lab was blasted with deadly radiation. He wandered around the lab for days, not knowing what to go about the green glow coming from his flesh. The poor lad was starving. So when he saw Randall standing by his microscope, the kid only saw one thing - food. He took a chunk out of Randall's arm and MALS Man was born.

But his story did not end there. The radiation caused the kid to mutate and grow, until he bacame the beast known only as... The Sickness. He is named that because radiation can actually make you quite ill. Like, the powers are great and everything but chemo really knocks the wind out of you. So he's not doing too well. But he's still a teenager and still angry at... something.

Next up, we have:

The good and evil twin all in one! Benson just wants to be loved. He likes flowers and Grey's Anatomy. But, behind Benson, lies evil - Hedges, the murderous vicious bunny. He likes killing people and doesn't like Grey's Anatomy one little bit. Together, they make a powerful foe as Benson uses Hedges as his shield. Not only would nobody risk harming that cute little bunny but the Conjoined Bunny Brothers are also immune to MALS Man's Manlove ability (Benson is openly gay but Hedges is deep in denial). With Benson attached to his back, Hedges is unstoppable.

Finally, Mr.Trombley made some great suggestions for super villains (check them out in the comments of the previous post). One, I just couldn't resist, though this may be slightly younger than he was thinking:

Everyone knows Hitler is pure evil. It is safe to assume he came out of the womb goose-stepping and generally doing evil things. But what most people don't know is that he managed to escape by travelling through time into the future, where he terrorises people and makes them sad and stuff. The guy way back in history was merely a stand-in. Baby Hitler is way more evil.

So that's just a few of MALS Man's enemies. He has many more. Actually most people really don't like him at all. He's an annoying pain in the ass. So he has no shortage of super villains to fight.

I think Baby Hitler needs his own spin-off.

Oh, and for Adam, here's a look at some of those teddies we can hawk at Hot Topic -

I thought I was really just having a laugh with the 'they don't conform' thing, you know, seeing as most emo or goth kids try their damndest to be identical to each other, but then I found these. They actually use as their tagline, "dolls that refuse to conform". I have to admire them for getting in first and for separating these poor innocent kids from their money.

Sell me a superhero!

John K had a post all about superheroes on his blog and that got me thinking about them. There was a time when superheroes were all just cheesy adventure. Then they went 'dark'. I guess The Dark Knight Returns changed everything. From then on, heroes were brooding, miserable beings who dealt with real life problems. Newer heroes were born who took this further and many amounted to some bitter guy with a gun.

So heroes changed from what kids aspired to be - something totally extraordinary - to what they thought they were - miserable alienated outcasts. Because teenagers are an awkward bunch. They think they're miserable and bitter but, truth is, they haven't earned it. They're not old enough to have anything to be miserable about. But, man, when it comes to selling comics to suckers, these sad sacks will lap it up.

On a side note, I think the 'dark' thing helped reassure the adult comic buyers that they were more serious and not in fact the embarrassment they once were. As someone who is into cartoons, I have no right to judge. And yet, I do.

So I thought - if I was to make a superhero to sell to this demographic, who would it be? Not a superhero I thought was cool, but one that was marketable to the Lavinge-buying public and their dodgy fathers.

And so Miserable Androgynous Little Shit Man was born!

Here's the story -

Mild-mannered millionaire scientist, Randall Randallson, was busy looking through a microscope, as scientists are known to do.

Unknown to Randall, someone had infiltrated his lab. A miserable androgynous little shit! Yes, some moany teenager who thought his life sucked, spent all morning doing his make-up and making sure his clothes matched all his friends' 100% and yet considered himself totally unique and didn't want to be judged by his appearance had wandered into the lab. But this wasn't just any miserable androgynous little shit.

No, this was a radioactive miserable androgynous little shit.

Randall was too engrossed in his work to notice. That is, until he was bitten! The little shit had bitten Randall's arm! Suddenly Randall began to change. He spent several hours dying and doing his hair. He spent just a few more minutes doing his eye-liner. He found out what all his friends were listening to and made sure he had the exact same music on his super-pink iPod. He grew big muscles and a chin (because that's super). He became uncomfortably bisexual. And then... the whining began.

And so was born Miserable Androgynous Little Shit Man! Once an ordinary scientist, Randall Randallson was now gifted with the powers of a miserable androgynous little shit.

Oh and he got a sidekick - Emo-Teddy (look, he's all broken, just like the poor teenagers, how totally original and cool - nobody understands him). He's probably got a gun too.

If you're wondering why he's not wearing pants, well, superheroes wear their undies on the outside and what more efficient way to do that could there be than simply not putting on pants? Also, it means there's a space for branding. If anyone wants to advertise on MALS Man's legs, he has no problem whoring himself out.

So there's my superhero. What do you think? Have I got a market? I think kids could totally relate to him.

If you had to sell a superhero, who would he (or she) be? Do me a superhero!