Animators, depression and wishes

Another winter. Here it is again. That dreary time of year. That time of year that so often reminds me of that dark place that is a part of me. Why is that? Is it just the weather? The lack of sunlight? Perhaps. The enforced jolliness of Christmas clashing with the reality of our own feelings? Maybe that's more relevant.

Don't worry, folks. I'm doing well. Very well, in fact. Since my last post, my life has gone through many changes and that's frightening and exciting rolled into one. And it's actually fun.

It has warmed my heart that I still get comments and mails from this little blog though. No I don't wish depression on you all. But I know how much reading other sites helped me when I was first diagnosed. Reading the experiences of others was a comfort – that knowledge that, really, I wasn't completely on my own with this. We're in it together and, while many may not ever understand what we go through, there is a select elite group who know all too well.

We're not alone. 

One thing that has become obvious since starting this blog many years ago is that depression seems to go hand in hand with animation a lot of the time. I am not unique. Not by a long shot. So why is that? It's a little curious, right? I don't have answers. Only questions...

Is it that there are so many little things that eat away at us?
Are we not creatively fulfilled?
Are we not rewarded enough for the very skilled work that we do?
Do we feel taken advantage of, trampled on?
Is it that we spend too long by ourselves, in a bubble of scenes?
Do we feel a clash of creative versus commercial and hate what we make?
Is it the endless struggle of having clear vision yet having to wrestle it on to a screen?
Is it as simple as just not getting thanked enough?

Or is it that animation and the whole idea of making films and TV a frame at a time is completely and utterly insane? Yeah, maybe that's a part of it.

Animators, any ideas? Is it animation? Or is it just about being a person?

I don't know but what I do know is that it is often hard to talk about. There is still a stigma attached to depression, mainly because those who don't get it... well, they don't get it. It is hard to be open about it publicly, especially when you're making happy fun little animations to make kids smile. It's not an easy discussion. I know that well and maybe I have been a coward all these years by not posting with my real name but it has allowed me to be very honest about a great many things about just one or two aspects of a far more colourful life. I am not all depression and animation (honest!). But being able to write about those things freely has been very helpful.

Let's try to write more and read more about it, whether we use our real names or not. It all helps.

To everyone who comes by this little blog (and most get here because they are searching for information and posts on depression), I wish you good health. I wish you peace of mind. I wish you fewer depths and less darkness and the strength to make it through both when you have to. This world is filled with shit and hideous things and that so often obscures all of the wonderful things we have, the amazing things that people do, the little acts of kindness, the huge life-changing acts of kindness, the wonder of nature, even just a pretty cloud now and then. The worst things in life are not all our responsibility, not all the time. Allow yourself to put it aside and see the wonder. Give yourself that permission.

I know... easier said than done. But I wish that for you.

And for the animators, what have you got yourself into? What were you thinking? You could have a nice job in retail, where you get to go home content if you just survive the day. No, I'm joking. Animation is awesome, in spite of our griping (well, my griping). For you animators, I wish fulfillment, contentment, pride in your work but not so much that it makes you a pain in the ass. I wish fun characters, great music, and lovely surprises of life and personality as you animate, or little unexpected splashes of colour in your backgrounds. I wish you a moment maybe once a week, hopefully more, when you look at what you have made, at what you created and brought into being in this Universe, and you think – that's awesome.

And lastly to everyone, animator or not, depressed or not, I wish you all a fantastic holiday season. Warmth, family, friends or even just the comfort of lying under a warm blanket on your own.

By the way, if you are in animation, there are tons of relevant posts buried in the archives. Have a browse!

I was depressed. Now I'm not.

So I did EXACTLY what I used to be told not to do while experiencing depression. Here's how it went...

I was feeling that familiar darkness, clouding me, pushing me further away from the real world. That's often how it feels - like I am retreating into somewhere deeper and there are barriers between me and life. Not just barriers. Dark clouds. 

It was depression, no doubt about it. I know it all too well.

I was afraid. Mostly because I don't think I have ever emerged from depression in less than a year. Sometimes much longer. I didn't want to end up lying on my bed in the foetal position but I also didn't want to end up on that long medication road. I hate that road.

I have long felt that depression is situational. A reaction from deep within our core telling us that something is just not right with our life. That could be something huge and obvious but it rarely is,  which is why often we don't know what's wrong. Often, I think it is the effect of a long-term discontentment. Got to be honest, I'm not sure I buy the chemical imbalance thing but that's a discussion for another post.

One thing I was told many times while being treated for depression was not to make any life-changing decisions. Don't get married. Don't move house. Don't buy a boat. But if depression even had the slightest chance of being situational, that advice prevents you from tackling the actual cause in any way. 

This time, I ignored that advice. I made a change. A massive change.

I did something that should increase my stress and my worry - I removed the security I had in my career and set myself on a new path. An unknown path without a worked-out plan. I put myself in a situation where a life change is unavoidable, even if I wanted to back out. I blew up my old world and must now find a new planet. Metaphorically - don't worry, I didn't actually blow anything up.

Getting to the decision to make that change was horrifying.

But once I went ahead with it, those dark clouds lifted. My situation changed. I feel better. And I have never once before seen depression lift so fast. Ever. 

I feel good. 

Sure, I now have major challenges ahead. It's not going to be easy. It may not even work out. But it's exciting and it feels right. It feels so right. I wondered if it might just be a momentary rush of excitement but, no. This is right.

Depression often feels to me like the long-term cumulative damage caused by even a slight unaddressed discontentment. If I am right, then the solution is to change the situation. Exactly the opposite of the advice I have been given over the years.

I feel good.

 

Round 1...

Previously on My Medicated Cartoon Life...

Well, quick recap. I haven't posted in years and you will likely have seen that the previous batch of posts were thin on the ground for some time. I changed. The blog ceased to have as much function as it once did. I drifted back into the real world, my other self. So what have I been doing? Here is an incomplete list -

Made a couple of really excellent TV shows.
Had quite a bit of praise as a result of one of those shows.
Been busy being a parent.
Have drawn, painted and generally created.
Generally have been relatively okay.

Oh there were downs. One of my shows very nearly didn't get off the ground. That was severely stressful. But I dealt with it. I have had building frustrations though about my industry and my close working environment - many of those things I have gone through here on the blog but they wear one down over time. I have been okay though.

So what brings me back? How have I become the bitter animator again? What happened?

A combination of things, I think. One element was the usual post-production crash. I'm sure I have mentioned it before but when you're working on an intense production for a long time, there can be a godawful crash when it finishes. A real sense of anticlimax. It is worse when production is hard because you force your body to keep going to get through it. Once over, your body gives up. The crash after this most recent production has been tough. Best show I have ever made. I think it's a fantastic animated show by any standards and I was driving the whole thing. I should be really happy about it. And I am happy with the show, but the crash... that's a killer.

It's almost like psychologically, I expect a parade in my honour for surviving it. Of course, it's my job to thank everyone else and make sure they get their parades. And they deserve them.

That growing frustration is another element. It long since passed breaking point. So I have no other choice but to act on that, to make a change. But any change from the status quo will be so dangerous and terrifying. And yet it has to be done. So there is procrastination, fear, stress and worry all merging together and eating my insides up.

So I have felt a familiar darkness. The tiredness. The disconnection. The inability to take joy from anything.

It's back.

But you know what? I'm not going down without a fight.

I am going to make some big decisions and take action. I shall make changes. And I shall tackle them head-on. It will be scary but what the hell isn't these days? I can get through this and probably come out better for it.

For now, the bitter animator has reemerged. Still, that's not all bad. One thing the bitter animator side of me has going for him is he gets angry. Anger can be a great motivator for change. I need all the motivation I can get right now...

So how have you all been? What have I missed on internet blogland?

Ah hello...

Snow angels

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post! The first post here in a loooooong time. Special thanks to Holly, Susan's cat who gave me a mention here - This Week in Mentalists

I would put a nicer link but Blogger seems to have gone all minimalist on me and removed just about every formatting option short of posting a pic. Why, Blogger? Why?! (Edit: Think I have it sorted. Just Google and their endless mission to make stuff worse).

So it's Christmas time and, you know what? I'm feeling Christmassy. Wasn't the easiest year, not by a long shot. We're in a world of uncertainty and, for what is really the first time since the 2008 recession hit, my own work has been on the chopping block. But my latest project has just been given a last minute reprieve. My father passed away this year. That sucked on a few levels. We weren't close so part of me thinks I was protected from a certain level of grief and yet it just meant the whole thing was messy. What was unresolved will now stay unresolved forever.

So, yeah. Not the easiest year.

But a good year.

A year in which I realised just how much support I have. And not just that it's me and people supporting me or me supporting them. I really felt that a whole bunch of us are in this together. And I count many of you out there in the blogoshpere in that too. A unity. Not a perfect unity. But a strong one.

Life won't always be easy. Yes, a dog may take a piss on us while we make snow angels but who cares? We'll have made snow angels!

I hope you all make snow angels.

Have a very happy Christmas/holiday season/Winter Wonderland/Snowy Surprise or whatever it is you all celebrate. Stay well!

December again

Every now and again, I come back to this place... my old blog. There is a lot to look back on and always a reminder of a particular time in my life. A while before I sort of wound down the blog, I stuck in one of those Google Analytics code things to see how many people were coming to the blog. Turns out it was pretty popular.

Obviously lack of posts caused that number to go down and down. But, looking at the little graph now, somewhere in October it began to go up. And it rose through November to now. Why? Was someone linking to my blog? Writing about it?

No.

It was simply coming up in Google searches more as more people searched for information on 'depression'. It's that dark time of year. Wouldn't it be nice to take my increasing numbers as something positive? The truth is, it's a bad sign for many people. I think I'd be happy if my blog never came up in searches again because nobody needed to know anything about depression any more. Because it was a thing of the past.

But it's not.

Depression is still all around us. Probably more now than ever. It's a tough time of year for many. But you know what? This is why I appreciate all those who blog about depression and tell their stories. So that people who realise they or a loved one may be facing depression have somewhere to go. Real survival stories to read. And even the stories that did not have happy endings, to serve as a reminder that, sometimes, people need help and it's not always obvious. Every one of you who have written about depression help.

Being that darker time of year, I hope you're all doing okay and are looking out for yourselves and others.

And those writing about animation, well look, some people are just beyond help. Making films a frame at a time? Honestly, it's too late for those people. Just get out before they drag you down with them.

All quiet

Yes, all quiet here. Just trying to survive. Not always easy. But I'm still going. If you have happened upon this somewhat dormant blog by accident, why not have a browse through the archives? I do, every now and again. There's some good stuff in there, even if I do say so myself. Makes me feel guilty for not keeping the place updated regularly. But I guess that is the way of blogs.

While you're here, though, you should check out these blogs and sites. These are friends of the blog or just places I enjoy. Check them all out -

Prozacville is as bad as I am for updates but there's loads of great stuff in the archives. Little comics about life. Funny, silly in places and yet very honest. In a stroke of genius, also included in each post is a soundtrack.

Susan is a good friend here at Medicated Cartoon Life. She's had it rough at times but, man, she's a fighter and her blog is a testament to that.

The Daily Grail is a place that will open your mind. Their Red Pill Junkie is also a good friend here and his comments have always been insightful, enjoyable and often eye-opening. The Daily Grail is well worth a regular read. You'll find some gems there.

This is a pretty new one. Honest to Goodness Genuine Humans. It's a funny cartoon blog from the guy who brought us Too Many Zombies. With some great one-liners and some with a real sideways look at life, it's a fun one. You can (and should) follow them on Twitter here for even more.

I'm on Twitter too as the BitterAnimator so feel free to follow me if you like and send me a tweet so I know who you are for a follow back. I'll admit I really don't tweet very much, just like blogging now I guess, but I'm there and I read and tweet the odd time.

So go read all those sites. Enjoy them. Tell your friends, tweet about them, blog about them, post them on reddit or any of those sites because they deserve your attention. And tell them a Bitter Animator sent you. And bug the Prozacville guy for more posts because they're excellent.

Hope everyone who happens upon this post is doing well. If you found your way here via depression, be strong brothers and sisters - it may not be you, it really might be the world that's sick. If you found your way here via animation, strive for the best. You're in one of the most specialised yet unrewarded businesses and you're all creative, fantastic people (well, most of you).

And to everyone else, I'll say this - the old models are crumbling. Your time will come.