Friday, May 9, 2008

100% Failure rate

As of yesterday's post, every one of my submissions is accounted for. Every single one of them a rejection. Every single one of them a form rejection, some not even bothering to put my name.

To everyone who sent me a rejection, fuck you. I hope your eyes get pecked out by sparrows (it will take longer than crows). And that you contract some hideous disease that causes your skin to tighten and tighten until it eventually rips and falls from your sick flesh. Actually, the sparrows can do their work at that point because I'd like you to see that, like the guy who saw his face peel off in Poltergeist. Then I hope you get... hmm... a paper cut. But a really bad one that stings. Then gets infected with maggots that eat away at your bare flesh until you eventually die an agonising death. But not before I give you a card that says I apologise for the stock response but your pathetic life has been rejected. I can't see a market for it. But I wish you success in your eternity in whatever hell you'll be going to.

Unless they reject you too.

If that doesn't happen, I'm going to find out who each and every one of you are and keep photos of you with me for the rest of my life. And some day, maybe many years from now, I'll spot you on the street from that cardboard box I'll be living in. And, when you pass, I'll put out my leg and trip you up. If I'm lucky, you'll graze your knee but, at the very least, you'll look like a tit.

And, then, when I'm close to death, I'll take each one of those photos and write 'FOOD' on them. Then, when the inevitable zombie apocalyse comes and I rise from the grave hungry for human flesh, the only memory I'll have is that you, each and every one of you, are my food. And I will eat your brains. I can't imagine your brains would give me much sustenaince but then a zombie doesn't digest food anyway. And, in a way, it's fitting - just like now, what little brains you have will be utterly useless. But I'll eat them anyway.

Fuck each and every one of you. The least you could have done was do me the decency of writing a proper letter. And putting my name on it. Gobshites.

I think I'm taking this rather well.

13 comments:

Andy J. Latham said...

Something tells me I can't possibly imagine what that kind of rejection feels like, but I can safely say that I hate stock letters doing the dirty work. It's like they haven't got the backbone to tell you themselves so they get a computer to do it. If computers ever get truly intelligent, they are going to be suicidal with all the rejecting they will be doing!

Bitter Animator said...

Well being an adult and having been in the business quite a while now, I should be well used to this sort of thing and it shouldn't bother me or deter me but it still stings when it happens.

I think you're right about the computer! There could be a story in that one. Maybe that's how Marvin in Hitchhikers ended up so depressed.

Tool said...

I got a really nice form letter rejection. Great sturdy paper stock, color printing on two sides.

Elliot Cowan said...

What did you have rejected?

Bitter Animator said...

It was a happy little project for very young children that worked with my strengths and also my track record (which contains the odd success story).

I liked it. Seems I was alone.

Elliot Cowan said...

I have had a very similar experience.
I spent 15 years as a working professional illustrator in Australia, then moved to London to knock things up a notch and also to try and sell some picture books I had written and illustrated.
70 rejection letters later I didn't get a scrap of work from agents or publishers.
Fortunately I was able to make money via animation, but it was hard to take, especially considering I'd never had a rejection letter once in my entire life beforehand.
I understand the pain, dude.

Bitter Animator said...

Yeah, you'd know just what it's like then. Getting into the picture book market seems harder than winning the lottery. And, while there are some absolutely beautiful, funny and just excellent picture books out there, there's also a lot of cack so I don't get why it's that tough.

I have the Children's Writer's and Artists Yearbook and the listings in it are like the Holy Grail, in that they're tough to get and might not actually exist at all.

Sucks, doesn't it? It just feels shitty.

Elliot Cowan said...

I have learned some hard facts about the picture book market.
You've no doubt heard the old animation argument that if you can't draw you shouldn't be writing cartoons?
Well to some extent it's the same in picture books.
The people in charge of what our children see are following a marketing plan and not their imaginations.
On the whole they know what sells, because it's sold before - if you follow.
Good art is not what they are interested in.
They want soft, pussy artwork, on the whole.
Why they can't have a good book with good illustrations is something that hasn't occurred to them.
I can offer you two positive experiences though, if you care to hear them.
1) Failure to get my books published resulted in me animating the characters in 6 short films, which have been in competition all over the world.
2) I finally found an agent who not only loves the books, but has the balls to try and sell them.
I did encounter several publishers and agents who loved the books but said they'd need someone with bigger testes to try and sell them and they didn't want to.

If you are interested in forwarding me any of your stuff for some feedback I'd be very happy to.

Bitter Animator said...

Ah so you got an agent eventually. Well that's good - the persistence paid off. Hopefully they'll be able to get those books of yours sold. Thanks for the offer of feedback. I may well take you up on that but, right now, I'm a little fragile so I'd only be interested in gushing lies. But maybe when I've got over these rejections!

Thanks.

By the way, I had a quick look at your blog and your work is excellent. When I get ome timee later, I'm going to have a good browse through your archives.

Elliot Cowan said...

There are some other dreary things I could tell you but I don't think you need it at the moment.

Enjoy my work and email whenever you like.

Moro Rogers said...

I feel you. I just got a rejection email from Pixar. That's as much acknowledgement as I've ever gotten from them.
If you ever come to LA we should get drunk together.

Bitter Animator said...

That sucks, man. But, hey, it's a high class rejection if it's coming from Pixar. I always imagine a rejection from a company like that to come in a really entertaining card featuring the cyclops guy from Monster's Inc. And maybe he has a big tear in his one eye. Like a 'Sorry we're not hiring you' card.

Well, sorry to hear that.

Moro Rogers said...

Eh...yeah...I have a reasonably okay job at the moment. (I'm working on a really lame show and I don't get to draw. But I guess people who don't live in Burma can't complain about anything.=p)